T.I.M.E.

I’ve been thinking about this blog for weeks. Where do I begin? Do I write a somewhat downer blog during the holidays? Do I want to divulge my hurt? Well, here it is: the blog on healing from disrespect, disregard, duplicity and disappointment…okay, heartbreak – with all the “d” words beside it.

Everyone who’s experienced loss – a loved one, a job, a pet, a friend or a relationship to name the most “popular” – knows that time heals all wounds. I hate that saying. How long is “time”? How much time do I need to face my mirror and heart and say, “Keep going, Dee” even when my tears mask my getting-over-him/it? I understand that a break-up of a short-term – eight month – relationship is minor to a divorce of 20+ years, or the death of someone you love, and yet…loss is loss. Hurt and sorrow don’t have a metric system or a sliding scale;  they are just painful and we deal with them with the skill set we have at the time.

T.I.M.E.

T – the Teacher. I’ve learned more about my heart and my strength in the last three months…actually longer, but the last month has been the neon bill board. The teacher is with me every waking hour holding my hand, giving me courage, telling me to “get over it,” designing my new paths of forgiveness and strength. I love her, and yet, I wish she’s let me wallow in self-pity at least for another day.  She also disappears at times when I thought she’d hold me together and I fell apart…another teacher of the time machine of healing.

The lessons I’ve learned I’m not certain I’d want to put in any life’s policy and procedure manual, and yet, this course, this journey is necessary to move to the next level of self-awareness and appreciation. I understand more fully what you’ve gone through now; I didn’t before. I’m more empathetic to you who have really been bushwhacked by the unexpected loss. I’m sorry!

I – Inner strength. The teacher has brought me greater inner strength this year. I’m not an admirer of my friends who say, “You’re so strong, Dee….” Fine, what does that do for me? Inner strength is a ladder to potential, courage and character. If I put all my strength in a beaker I could sell it on e-Bay and make a good side-line, on-line business, but I can’t. I have to sell myself on its value…and I’m getting there…slowly.

The aloneness was my partner for years; I was used to  it. Then I fell in love and experienced such joy, such companionship, heart friendliness and a best friend, until…. Now, I’m lonely; experiencing a feeling I’d neither admitted to nor been fully aware of. I go to my inner strength to get me past the water-powered tears that could flood the plains; to get me past the “I’m  not worthy,” and the “whys.” It’s been a blind-map journey: no headlights in the darkness, no clearing in the fog and no freeway to the exit  of “You’re back!” They will come, thanks to my teacher and inner strength.

M – Motivation. I’m motivated to move forward, open up my heart again and love. I’m motivated to be a better heart friend, to listen more, be more aware of his world, recognize a glitch before it’s too late, and to keep my power and self-respect in tact no matter what. To continue to believe in me…isn’t that right?

Today on Facebook a friend posted: “Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer give a damn.” That happened to me! Wow, I never thought it would; he pushed me. Friends are my family, my total motivating force for today and tomorrow. I’m beginning to not “give a damn” about him and that’s sad, oh, so sad, and so unnecessary.

Motivation is my mantra in the morning after my mediation prayer. The motivation to re-gain my power, re-establish my true character and re-connect with love: to heal completely. Time…!

E – Evolution. Each of us evolves into the person we were  meant to be in our own time, with our myriad teachers, inner strength and motivating factors. No matter how old you are, no matter what has occurred or happened in the past, tomorrow you’ll be the same, and yet different because you got through today and its challenges – small, medium or large – or huge.

Each of us is going through something, whether it’s minor – a cold – or major – a crushing personal loss – and we’ll wake up tomorrow a little wiser – we hope! – and more aware of us, our feelings, our reactions to situations, our breaking points or our calm-in-the-storm reactions.

What did you learn about yourself today? What evolved from today’s hours that will be an asset to tomorrow, an asset to your family, friends, co-workers, staff, etc? You might say, “nothing,” and yet you really did accomplish a task from either the heart or the head, maybe even both, that will make a difference not only to you and your growth and evolution, but also to someone else’s.

Yes, time. I’m waiting for not only getting past, “I don’t give a damn,” but also the thinking about the why’s.

Tomorrow. The healing continues, the gaping sore in my heart diminishes hourly now –  not daily, which is great! – and the strength builds.

I thank time. I don’t know when she’ll actually take flight and I’ll be completely healed, but today a few months later, I feel like I’m almost whole. What a great Christmas gift to me…and probably my friends who’ve stood by me during my rush-hours of sadness.

Thank you to my friends, my family. Here’s to T.I.M.E. and happy endings.

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